Hey, hey don't get all "woke" on me now. I was once kept in a zoo myself, and during my formative, mammalian years -- now thankfully forgotten -- I probably required just as much upkeep as the creatures which now surround me.
Sometimes in the course of a week at the zoo I'll consider offering one of the zoo attractions advice, guided as I am by the thought that I've been around over three times as long as they have, and that since graduating from my own set of zoos (some public and some private), I've accumulated quite a bit of life experience. I'd like to impart some of my wisdom to the squeaking, bawling and roaring animals in my charge, in the hope that their lives will be improved thereby.
Then, of course, I change my mind. How often, after all, do the animals in the zoo listen to their keepers? How often do the lions say to one of the humans, "Great idea man, I'll stop scratching myself so much," or how often do the gorillas say, "I get it, I should be less aggressive?" The answer is, of course, never. The animals in the zoo can only pursue their animal natures. Likewise the zookeepers can only ensure that the animals in their care get enough food to eat, that their habitats are kept clean, and that they don't harm themselves or each other too much. Zookeepers all understand that doing so is their job, even if many junior high teachers don't.
Nevertheless it occurs to me that if, given a nearly magical set of circumstances, one of my students (sorry, one of the animals in my zoo) were to actually ask me for advice on some topic, I might have useful advice to give. To this end let's pretend for a moment that the various reptiles, birds, mammals, amphibians and insects in my care can actually hold conversations, that they're asking me questions about their own behaviors, and that I'm trying -- not always succeeding -- to give them advice that matches their situations.
Ready? Let's go!
Q: Zookeeper, every time I ignore you and try to have conversations with my friends during class, you react negatively. What's your problem, anyway?
A: I'm here to do a job, and my job involves me talking and you listening to what I say. This is just as true for me as it is for all the other zookeepers. We talk, you listen. This is especially true for me, in that I'm trying to teach you a language. A big part of learning any language is (gasp) listening to the spoken form of that language and formulating responses to what is said.
Besides all that, how are you going to get through life without being able to listen to anyone? I hear you talking all day, disgorging all of your thoughts, your beliefs and your opinions, but how much do you really listen to other people? I've heard your "conversations," and they sound more like monologues to me.
Q: Zookeeper, why are you always telling us not to stare at our phones while we're walking (or even bicycling) to school?
A: Because the traffic around the school is dangerous, and you need to keep your wits about you when you're walking to school. Many drivers are just as inattentive as you are, and they're also operating cars and scooters at high speeds.
Even with traffic aside, it's good to be aware of your environment. As all animals should be aware, those that fail to pay attention to what's going on around them tend to live shorter lives.
Q: Zookeeper, what do I need to learn English for? My parents work at the night market, and they always just use Google Translate when a foreigner walks up...
A: If you're coming at it from the night market angle, how about the fact that English can actually make you money? Yes, you can just talk or type into your phone and then hand it to the foreigner to either listen to or look at, but that's a cold way of doing business, and foreigners thus approached aren't likely to do repeat business at your particular stall. And keep in mind that there are many stalls, selling many similar things, at the same night market.
Odds are that the vocabulary and sentence patterns related to your particular night market stall are exceedingly simple and easy to master. Be friendly, don't hide behind your phone, and over time you'll have at least a couple repeat customers. That kind of money adds up over time. Also keep in mind that the night markets aren't, in most instances, exactly thriving now. It's all about competition, and anything that gives you an edge is good.
Aside from night markets, there's the fact that many higher paying jobs involve a test of English proficiency at some point. If you're not planning on fixing scooters or farming you'll want to take this into account. Knowing English can mean a raise and increased opportunities, at least as far as the corporate world is concerned. Many businesses in Taiwan operate internationally, and in this context English opens many doors.
There's also quality of life to consider. Yes, you can exclusively hang around with Taiwanese or Mandarin speakers, but what about making friends from other cultures? Learning languages -- any languages -- is always a good thing, and the more you use a language the more you'll find that it not only makes new friendships possible but also allows you to think and solve problems in different ways.
Q: Zookeeper, why can't I just address you by your first name? Aren't we buddies?
A: Because it's rude. I get that some teachers in some cram schools are OK with their students addressing them by (only) their first names, but I'm not. I am your teacher, not your buddy. It's a different relationship, and in this relationship respect is important. Your buddies, for example, never ask you to take a test, or fill out a worksheet, or recite words from a book. I'm a teacher, and I like to be addressed as such because it keeps the relationship clear.
Q: Zookeeper, why shouldn't I smoke and chew betel nut? Aren't those two things awesome?
A: I get that the people you're looking up to do that, but you live in a tiny village on the way to almost nowhere, and you might want to think about both your health and how those habits impact your life and the choices you can make later on.
Cigarettes can give you lung cancer. Lung cancer is not fun. Cigarettes also make people smell like cigarettes, and some people will avoid smokers for this reason. It's also a really inconvenient addiction/habit to carry around, involving great expense over time and the need to step out for a smoke several times a day.
And yes, I smoked once upon a time. Thankfully I never got addicted. But who knows if they'll get addicted or not? And by the time you know you're addicted, isn't it usually too late?
Betel nut can give you mouth cancer. Have you ever seen one of the people with mouth cancer? That's some freaky shit. Betel nut also makes people smell like betel nut, and it's not great for your teeth. Then you have spit everywhere, and members of the opposite sex will avoid you for a variety of reasons. I get that maybe girls/boys in your village are cool with it, but go to most urban areas and it's a different story.
Q: Zookeeper, I don't want to have a regular job! I want to be a YouTuber when I grow up!
A: All I can say is good luck with that.
Q: Zookeeper, why do you ride a bicycle to school every day? Don't you have enough money for a scooter or a car?
A: As it happens I own both a scooter and a car, but I prefer riding a bike. I find driving a car to school very stressful, and I don't see any reason to ride a scooter to work when I could just as easily ride a bike. My house is 3 kilometers away, and unless a typhoon is on I'd rather just bike here.
Q: Zookeeper, why can't I just copy from my classmates?
A: Because you won't know anything. If you just copy from everyone, and you have no idea what you're copying, then you're just digging a bigger and bigger hole for yourself in terms of whatever subject you're studying. Honestly, my worksheets aren't that hard, and if you can't see the blackboard from the back row you need glasses.
Q: Zookeeper, why can't I just use English class to practice all of the cool English swear words I know?
A: Because you don't really need to practice those words. You're just trying and failing to sound tough.
Q: Zookeeper, why can't I take my time coming back from the basketball court?
A: Because one of the things about life is respecting other people's time. This is true in school, and it's even more true when you start working jobs and forming relationships with people. It's not good to keep people waiting. It shows a lack of respect. It's also about respecting yourself, in that doing a good job can get you things. Being on time is part of doing a good job.
Q: Zookeeper, why can't I hide in the nearby temple and/or vandalize things instead of coming to school on time?
A: See my answer to the question above. In addition, you might want to think about the fact that there are usually two kinds of students: the ones that put some effort into school and the ones who gravitate toward temple activities and all that those entail. I'm not saying that everyone involved in their local temple is a gangster -- this obviously isn't true -- but there's definitely a subset of templegoers who are. Of course it's possible to be involved in the local temple and be a good student, but you might want to think about your priorities just the same.
And no, I'm not equating local religious observance with vandalism. It's just that I've noticed a certain type of boy (they're always boys) who hide out in temples, break things, light off fireworks and generally cause trouble.
Q: Zookeeper, why do I need to study anything? I'm just going to do what my parents do, and that doesn't require study!
A: Are you sure you'll be able to do what your parents do? It's not like farming or working at the night market are easy jobs. Your parents or grandparents are doing all the heavy lifting, and you might want to think if you'll be up to the challenge.
Also, economies change. People need to adapt to whatever economy they participate in. Farmers need to grow new things, in different ways, just as people at the night market need to sell different things to different people. And it's never a given that either farming or selling things at the night market will always be viable career paths. The local tourism industry took quite a hit after COVID, and farming in an international (or at least island-wide) market presents its own set of difficulties.
So why do we study things? In essence it's to keep our options open. Maybe we never really use the English, Chinese or Math we learn in school, but on the other side of junior high is senior high, and on the other side of senior high (or vocational school) is either college or entering the workforce. A knowledge of many subjects means more open doors in terms of what you can do later on, and you should be careful about closing doors that might prove useful in the future.
Q: Zookeeper, why shouldn't I scream in class?
A: Because it's irritating. If you scream other people scream, and the next thing we're all trying to scream over each other with very little success. I get that when you're home you mostly run around a courtyard and scream at both your family and your neighbors, but there are an "inside voice" and an "outside voice" for a reason.
Besides, when you take that loud voice to the city you just sound very "country." You'll notice that people in the city don't yell at each other like that. If they did it would be unbearable.
Q: Zookeeper, why shouldn't I laugh at and/or yell at my classmates?
A: Because they won't like you. They might pretend to find it funny, but really, they won't like you. Try to speak in a softer voice first, and then, if they're being rude, increase your volume.
You might also consider how much you enjoy being laughed at or yelled at yourself.
Q; Zookeeper, why can't I just throw garbage everywhere?
A: Because we all have to share the spaces we live in, and also because protecting our environment is important. And it isn't just important in some kind of aesthetic way. Tourists come down here to interact with nature and breathe fresh air. If the roads or the beaches are full of garbage, do you really think they'll want to come down here?
Q: Zookeeper, why can't we learn English the "fun and easy way?"
A: Because there is no "fun and easy way." Learning any language is hard work. I try to make class as interesting as possible, I try to include a variety of activities, but at the end of the day learning English is going to require effort on your part, and if you don't put forth effort you're not going to learn very much.
I fully realize, however, that some of you spent four years just singing English songs in elementary school. I fully realize that some of your elementary school English teachers decided, long ago, that you're unable to read and write English, and that they washed their hands of teaching you how to do so. Nevertheless it's never too late to start. Some of your classmates might have given up on English long before you met me, but even they can learn something if they try.
Q: Zookeeper, why won't you be here next year?
A: Eh, that's a difficult one to answer, but since you're one of my favorite creatures in the zoo I'll try to explain:
1. I've been teaching junior high school in Taiwan for almost four years now. I need a break. Sometimes (I say again: sometimes) I enjoy the struggle that teaching junior high-level English involves, but often I don't. If I can make the same money teaching elementary-level classes, and if there are many elementary schools where I could work, why not do that instead?
2. This school isn't working that well for me for several reasons. They never really had a plan for me here, and most of the English teachers I work with are just counting the days until they retire. I'd rather be somewhere when they were at least trying.
3. Hengchun as a whole isn't working that well for me. On the weekend, in the summer, I like it a lot, but then again there's the windy, windy winters and the distance from family members and friends to think about. There were problems with Fangliao, where I previously lived as well, but at least the distance from Kaohsiung and Taitung wasn't such a problem.
4. I'd like to live in one place or the other. We have apartments in Kaohsiung and Taitung at the time of writing, and I'm tired of messing with a third location. I'm also OK with either living in Kaohsiung and going on vacation in Taitung, or else living in Taitung and going on vacation in Kaohsiung. I'm tired of dealing with other properties, in other places, no matter how scenic or convenient those other places might seem at first.
5. I'm tired of dealing with the Pingtung County Government and its lack of inertia. I fully realize that I'll have to deal with other kinds of nonsense in other cities or counties, but I really feel like it's time to move on from Pingtung.
This said, I'm not closing the door to Pingtung completely. I've already been offered another place in the county, and if the MOE doesn't come up with something better in Taitung or Kaohsiung I might just take it.
That's all for today, animals in my particular zoo. I wish you the best, there are no hard feelings, and it is what it is. You won't, of course, have heard me say the things above, and you're even less likely to have read all these English words which make you so, so tired, but for what it's worth, there it is. One of the eighth grade exhibits is opening to the public soon, and I should go get ready.
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