2019年3月16日 星期六

Guide to Taiwan for the Phobic 給恐懼症人的旅行指南

If you have acrophobia, you might not like Taiwan's big cities.  At some point you're going to find yourself in a department store - with the escalators going up and up and up - and you're going to look down, and that's going to be scary.  You might not want to visit the Taipei 101.  You might want to skip the suspension bridges.  如果你有懼高症, 你應該不會喜歡台灣的大城市.  在百貨公司裡隨著手扶梯越走越高時往下看, 那情景應該很可怕.  你最好不要去台北101, 也最好避開吊橋.

If you have aerophobia, you probably won't make it over here in the first place, since getting here involves hopping on a plane.  Maybe you could get here on a boat, but that would be complicated.  如果你有飛機恐懼症, 你應該不會到台灣來, 因為來這裡要坐飛機.  也許坐船也可以, 可是會讓旅程變得很複雜.

If you have arachnophobia, you'll be fine in most places.  Spiders aren't a big problem here.  But if I were you I'd avoid the areas closer to the mountains, because sometimes spiders like to build their webs near trails.  I've almost walked into those spiders face first a couple times, and it was super freaky.  如果你是蜘蛛恐懼症, 你在台灣大多數的地方都不會有問題.  只要不到山區就好.  因為蜘蛛喜歡在步道附近織.  我好幾次差一點就撞上蜘蛛網,  那感覺很可怕.

If you have astraphobia, I wouldn't recommend coming here around typhoon season.  Sometimes different air masses rub against each other just so, and the result is thunderstorms.  I like to go on the roof of my apartment building and watch thunderstorms, but I know YOU wouldn't like it.  如果你的恐懼症是針對雷電, 請你颱風季的時候不要來.  有時候兩個氣團撞在一起會發生雷雨.  我喜歡上我家大樓的頂樓看雷雨, 但我知道你不會喜歡.

If you have autophobia, you should frequent night markets.  All those people, squeezing together.  For the opposite reason I wouldn't recommend solo bike trips down the east coast, because you'll find yourself alone somewhere, and that will be scary.  如果你有孤獨恐懼症, 你會喜歡夜市,  那麼多人擠在一起.  相反地, 不要在台灣東部自己一個人騎單車.  因為有的地方沒有人,  你會覺得很緊張.

If you have claustrophobia, you might want to avoid those night markets.  Elevators in big buildings are also out of the question.*  And any popular restaurant on a weekend.  More than anything, you'll want to avoid taking either the MRT through Taipei Main Station or the KMRT through Formosa Boulevard Station.  The regular trains might be ok, depending on where you're getting on or off.  如果是幽閉恐懼症的話, 不要逛夜市.  大樓的電梯也不行.  周末也不能去熱門的餐廳.  對你來說, 最可怕二個地點大概是台北捷運站跟高雄捷運的美麗島站.  普通的火車應該沒有問題, 可是這要看你在哪個火車站上下車.

If you have hemophobia, you'll want to avoid hospitals of course, but you might also want to avoid traditional markets.  I'm not sure how you'd feel about pork blood cake, but be advised that it's everywhere.  如果有恐血症的話, 當然不要去醫院.  可是你也可能要避開傳統市場.  我不知道你對豬血糕會有什麼看法, 可是到處都有豬血糕.

If you have hydrophobia, I wouldn't visit Sun Moon Lake, take a ferry around An Ping Port, or join rafting expeditions down the Shiou Gu Lan River.  Also avoid the Dong Shan River Water Park, and the ferry to Ba Li from Danshui.  In the case of hydrophobia, typhoon season might also be a problem.  如果有恐水症, 不要去日月潭, 不要在安平港坐船, 不要在秀姑蘭溪划船.  也不要去冬山河親水公園或是從淡水坐船到八里.  有恐水症的人也不會喜歡颱風季.

If you have ophidiophobia avoid walking through tall grass or stretches of jungle.  Don't go to Liou He Night Market because there's a big snake restaurant there.  You might also want to cancel that Green Island diving expedition because, you know, sea snakes.  如果有恐蛇症, 不要在高草地或森林散步.  不要去六合夜市, 因為那邊有餐廳賣蛇肉.  不去綠島潛水因為有海蛇.

If you have zoophobia, naturally zoos are out of the question.  Then there are the dogs and cats on country roads.  Also rats and mice at night.  And frogs.  And snakes.  Actually you might be on your own with this one.  Maybe just stay in Taipei, near department stores.  Entomophobia?  Even worse.  如果是有恐動物症, 當然動物園是不可以去參觀的地方.  還有鄉間道路的狗跟貓.  晚上還有老鼠.  有青蛙.  也有蛇.  這裡到處都有動物.  你可能只能留在台北, 靠近百貨公司最好.  恐蟲症呢?  這是最慘的.

I could go on, of course.  There's a whole list of phobias you can peruse if you're interested.  Everything from "samhainophobia" (fear of Halloween) to "venustraphobia" (fear of beautiful women).  If you suffer from the former, you'll find Taiwan very relaxing around the end of October, and if you suffer from the latter I suppose it all depends on what - and who - you consider beautiful.  我當然可以繼續討論恐懼症.  有興趣的人可以參考這個網頁.  恐萬聖節症, 恐美女症, 什麼恐懼症都有.  十月的時候, 有恐萬聖節症的人大概覺得住台灣很好.  有恐美女症的人不一定在台灣有困難.  有沒有困難得先看你覺得什麼樣的女人很美.

If you're not Taiwanese, however, there's one phobia, xenophobia, that precludes your coming here.  In the case of xenophobia I'd recommend staying right where you are, because it's a big scary world out there, inhabited by many strange people, and at least some of those strange people happen to live in Taiwan**.  如果你不是台灣人, 還有一種恐懼症: 外族恐懼症, 讓你來這邊更不舒服.  有這種恐懼症的人應該留在自己的國家, 因為外國很可怕, 也有很多奇奇怪怪的人的地方.  台灣也是其中一個國家.

Related Entries 相關的文章:

Hello, Taitung Person 台東人妳好 8
What's Going On On My Street 我的住家街道
Mei Nong Terrace 美農高台 / Ss Ge Mountain 四格山
Ramen and Asahi, Sushi and Tempura 拉麵跟Asahi, 壽司跟天婦羅

*Crowded elevators freak me out, too.  Also the idea of spelunking.  Also small rooms.

**No judgement here.  I am one of those strange people.