Test #1 is in the Blog Archive 28 entry. Good luck with that one.
Next week I'll be testing the students in my elementary school, and this made me realize that YOU, the reader of whatever this thing is supposed to be, should also be tested. The answers to all test questions are to be found at the very bottom of this entry.
Read the following story. If you don't I will smack you.
It's Monday. Lily and Tom have been in a car accident. Lily is holding Tom's arms, and Tom is holding Lily's legs. "Oh no!" says Lily. "I have no arms! How many arms do you have, Tom?"
"I have two arms," says Tom, "But I have no legs! What can we do? We're in trouble!"
Lily and Tom go to the hospital. Lily and Tom see the doctor in the hospital. "What the f*ck?" says the doctor, "You two again? What are you doing?"
"I was driving my scooter very fast," says Tom. "I was drinking cooking wine. I like to drive my scooter and drink cooking wine. It's good!"
"Yes," says Lily, "Tom likes cooking wine, and I like cooking wine too. When we drink too much cooking wine we are happy. We like to drink cooking wine and drive VERY fast on Tom's scooter!"
"But wait!" says the doctor, "Have you tried this?"
"What is it?" says Lily.
"What is it?" says Tom.
"It's 'medicine,'" says the doctor. "I am a doctor, so it's ok to try my 'medicine.' I like to have my 'medicine' every day!"
"Cool," says Lily.
"Cool," says Tom.
The doctor, Lily, and Tom have the 'medicine' together. Then the doctor puts Tom's legs where Lily's arms used to be. Then the doctor puts Lily's arms where Tom's legs used to be. It's so funny! Look at Tom and Lily!
Answer the following questions about the story.
1. I think the person who wrote this story is __________.
a. Mentally and/or emotionally disturbed.
b. A practitioner of the dark arts.
c. Sitting in an office with WAY too much time on his hands.
d. Like, this really chill dude, you know? Like, just real chill and everything.
2. If you had legs where your arms used to be, and arms where your legs used to be, how would you masturbate?
a. I would get lubed up and rub on furniture.
b. I would read my Bible, as a means of keeping sinful thoughts at bay.
c. I would find a helper.
d. I wouldn't.
3. Have you ever tried "medicine?"
a. I'm too high to understand what you're talking about right now.
b. Dare to say "No!" to drugs!
c. Depends on what kind of "medicine" you're talking about. Probably.
d. The terms of my parole prevent me from answering this question.
4. What's the worst scooter accident you ever saw?
a. One involving two scooters hitting each other at high speeds, resulting in injuries.
b. One involving a scooter and a larger vehicle, resulting in fatalities.
c. One involving a scooter and a giraffe at the Taipei Zoo, resulting in both property damage and extreme embarrassment.
d. I never go outside, so I never see scooter accidents. Outside is SCARY.
5. Why are you taking this test?
a. Like the person in 1.c. above, I have WAY too much time on my hands.
b. I was also the victim of medical experimentation wherein certain appendages were incorrectly reattached.
c. I think that it will somehow improve my command of the English language
d. Was this really a test? Because none of the questions have much to do with the story...
Me, Fifteen Years Ago 十五年前的我
Nonsense That Fills My Head on a Tuesday
Nonsense That Fills My Head on a Friday
什麼時候要開始學英語? When Should We Study English?
*There are no correct answers to this test. By taking it you've earned yourself an automatic 0% and my sympathy. The true test was to NOT take the test, and in this you have failed. Better luck next time, my friend. May the Force be with you?