2016年12月1日 星期四

The RTcarrefourhypermart 大家愛潤樂買福


If you're very good in this life - if you're kind to people, if you respect your elders, and if you go to the temple on the god's birthday - after you die you can visit the RTcarrefourhypermart in heaven.  如果你這輩子是個好人:對別人友善, 尊重年長者, 神明生日時去廟裡祭拜, 如果你是個這樣的人, 那你過世的時候可以去天堂的大家愛潤樂買福買東西.

And if you're a man who likes women (or a woman who likes women), you'll notice that all of the workers there are super hot bikini girls, and that none of them can stop staring at you as you walk the aisles, pushing your shopping cart.  那如果你是個喜歡女人的男人 (還是喜歡女人的女人), 你會發現那邊的工作人員都是穿比基尼的辣妹, 並且在你推手推車逛賣場的時候緊盯著帥帥(美美)的你.

And if you're a woman who likes men (or a man who likes men), you'll notice that all of the workers there are crazy handsome, super-sensitive men, and that they're all ready to help you find that certain item, or give you a back massage, or compliment you on how good you look.  如果你是喜歡男人的女人 (還是喜歡男人的男人) , 你會發現那邊的工作人員都超帥的, 而且都很體貼,  他們都很願意幫你找你要的產品, 或是按摩你痠痛的地方, 或是讚美你的外表.

And when you visit the electronics department, you'll find that they have video games that haven't even been invented yet, and time machines, and real working spaceships.  當你來到電器用品部門的時候, 會發現他們在賣還不存在的電動玩具, 除了這之外還賣時光機器, 和真的宇宙飛船.

And none of the clothes there will make you look fat, or old, or ugly.  And the book section will rival the Library of Congress, or even the Library of Alexandria.  And in the food section you'll find all of your favorite foods, of the very best quality.  那裡賣的衣服都不會讓你看起來胖, 老, 或醜.  他們的圖書區的書比美國國會圖書館或是古代的亞歷山大圖書館還多.  而且超市裡會有你最喜歡的食物.  食物的品質也都是最好的.

And as you arrive at the cashier, you'll realize that you've forgotten your wallet, but the cashier will say: "It's no problem, because you're our hundredth customer, and everything in your shopping cart is free!"  當你到收銀機前結帳時, 就算忘了帶錢包.  收銀員會跟你說: "沒有關係.  因為你是我們第100名顧客, 所以推車裡的所有物品都不用錢."


But, if you're very BAD in this life - if you're unkind to people, if you disrespect your elders, and if you never go to the temple - after you die you'll need to do your shopping at the RTcarrefourhypermart in hell.  可是如果這輩子你當壞人的話: 對別人很差, 不尊重年長者, 也從來不去廟裡拜拜, 那你過世的時候要去地獄的大家愛潤樂買福買東西.

And all of the workers there will be stupid zombies, and when you need help they won't be able to help you, because they'll be too busy trying to eat you, or to eat other shoppers.  那邊的工作人員都是笨笨的殭屍.  他們不會幫你找你要的產品, 因為他們都忙著吃掉你, 或是忙著吃其他的顧客.

And when you visit the electronics department, you'll find that it's full of junk from fifty years ago, and none of it will work well - if at all.  The home appliances will be things like butter churns and washboards, and they will all be ridiculously expensive.  那你在電器用品部門的時候, 會發現所有的產品都是50多年前的東西.  不是不好用就是全是壞的.  他們的家用電器都是過時無用的東西,  而且價錢超貴.

And all of the clothes there will make you look fat, old, and ugly.  And the book section will consist of one book, which is a biography written about you.  And in the book will be written all of the bad and/or embarrassing things you've ever done.  You'll notice that some of the zombies are reading it, and laughing.  而且他們賣的衣服會讓你看起來很胖, 很老, 和很難看.  圖書區也只有一本書, 一本關於你自己的傳記.  那本書裡面介紹的都是你生活中最丟臉的事情.  然後你會看到身邊的殭屍一邊看書, 一邊笑你.

And as you arrive at the cashier - who also happens to be a god - you'll realize that you've forgotten your wallet, and he / she / it will say:  等你到收銀機前的時候, 會發現收銀員就是一名神明,  你同時也會發現自己忘記帶錢包.  這時神明會跟你說:

"Wake up, my friend.  You're having a dream.  You're still alive, you can still be kind to people, you can still respect your elders, and you can still visit me, in the temple, on my birthday."  "朋友, 要醒醒.  你在作夢.  你還在人世, 還有機會對人好, 還可以尊敬年齡比你大的人.  我生日的時候也還可以去廟裡拜我."

"Just remember to bring your wallet next time.  Nothing's for free, and after all what are good deeds, but a means of buying one's way into heaven?"  "下次要記得帶錢包來, 天下沒有白吃的午餐, 畢竟你做的好事不就是你在天堂的生活費?"


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