2016年1月9日 星期六

If I was the President of Taiwan... 我如果當總統的話...


In case you didn't know, the Presidential Election is next week, on January 16.  如果你沒注意到的話, 台灣總統大選是一月十六日.

Of course as a foreign resident I am unable to vote, much less run for office, but I'd like you to know that if I were running things, I would try to accomplish the following:  當然外國住民的我沒有投票權, 也沒有參選權.  可是我想讓你們知道, 我如果是台灣總統, 我會有以下的政策:

1.The establishment of a National Taiwan Bureau of Pizza, which would ensure that every county, city, and town in Taiwan has yummy pizza. 設立台灣披薩局.  這個披薩局負責讓台灣所有的縣, 市, 鄉鎮都有好吃的披薩.

2. The construction of a huge sign, facing the Taiwan Strait, which reads: "Mind Your Own Business."  在西部面對著台灣海峽放一個"管好你自己就好"的超級大看板.

3. A shortened work week, consisting of three days, and lasting from 11 am to 3 pm.  But if you don't feel like coming into work that day it's OK.  每個禮拜只要工作三天.  上班的時間是上午十一點到下午三點.  有時候當天不想上班也沒有關係.

4. The death penalty, to be enforced immediately, for anyone singing karaoke too loudly.  唱卡拉OK太大聲的人要被處死刑.

5. The construction of a "loop-the-loop" somewhere on the HSR line.  高鐵的某一段要設計成雲霄飛車路線.

6. The creation of National Comic Book Day, in which we all stay home and read comic books.  訂定國家漫畫節.  這一天我們所有的人可以留在家裡看漫畫書.

7. The creation of a cool, secret base for myself on an island, accessible via submarine.  This island will also have dinosaurs, just like in Jurassic Park.  在台灣的離島蓋我的秘密基地.  這個秘密基地有潛水艇的入口, 島上也有恐龍, 就像侏儸紀公園.

8. The changing of Taiwan's official language to Latin , and the alteration of the Presidential Palace in Taipei to more closely resemble a castle.  Also, the outcome of all future Presidential elections will be decided in a knightly tournament.  台灣的國語要改成拉丁語.  台北的總統府要變成城堡.  以後的總統選舉就像是騎士比賽, 贏了就是總統.

9. The creation of "Awesomeland," a free water/amusement park that everyone can visit once a year.  And you don't need to drive there.  A helicopter comes to pick you up at your house.  蓋一個免費的水樂園"超棒的世界".  每個人可以免費一年去一次.  不用開車去, 因為有直升機去你家接你.

10. All the irritating Taiwanese celebrities will be deported to the Philippines. (Sorry Philippines)  把最煩人的台灣名人送去菲律賓.  (菲律賓對不起)

11. All Hello Kitty, Doraemon, and One Piece merchandise will be banned immediately.  Because enough already.  Give the other Japanese cartoon characters a chance! 禁止在台灣賣所有Hello Kitty, 多拉ㄟ夢, 跟航海王的東西.  因為這些東西的產量已經夠了.  給其他的日本卡通的角色機會吧!

And that's my "11-point plan."  I'll be implementing this plan just as soon as I am elected to the office of President, which should be right about the time hell freezes over...  那就是我的"十一項計畫."  我選上總統之後就開始實施這項計畫.  但這應該是地獄結冰的時候了...

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American Politics 美國政治
極端狀況 "Extreme Situations"
"Chinese" Tourists 大陸客* 
The Shape of Things to Come 未來的樣子

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